my parent ask me for money, I need advice
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Mr. Coffee
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- A Demented Corner of the North Cascades
There is obviously a backstory here. So some more context would be helpful. Also, the Internet is the Very Worst Place to get advice on something like this.
lnanek
New Member
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- USA
Not sure I'd give money considering how often old people get involved with romance scams, crypto, gambling, drinking, etc.. One of my grandpa died from alcohol destroying his liver. One grandma went to Atlantic City to gamble every day the rest of her life after her husband died.
That said, I'd let my parents live with me. I have a spare bedroom and they did the same when their parents were dying of cancer or whatever. My mother works as a nurse and those hospice care places they go to otherwise are very miserable. I wouldn't wish those on my worst enemy. Meanwhile my parents have provided lots of free child care and the like even into to their 70's.
That said, I'd let my parents live with me. I have a spare bedroom and they did the same when their parents were dying of cancer or whatever. My mother works as a nurse and those hospice care places they go to otherwise are very miserable. I wouldn't wish those on my worst enemy. Meanwhile my parents have provided lots of free child care and the like even into to their 70's.
Gionnirocket
Well-Known Unidentified Member
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- Y. O.
I'd tell them to get a paper route! 
Brian-s
Active Member
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- Kent ohio
A lot more is needed here. Is the parent buried in medical debt? Gambling debt? Just suffering financially like most of us? Does the child have a surplus? Does the child feel any obligation to the people who raised him/her? Is the child suffering financially?
Brian-s
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Then the only thing I can say is it depends on you and your relationship with your parents. There are some parents who believe parenting is a job till they die. Others would say "your an adult now, your on your own". There are some kids who believe that the gratitude they need to show for their parents exists until they die. And kids that say I'm an adult now... bye.
Annnnnmdddd. There are certainly kids and parents that are clingy and need to feel dependant.
But, as said by others, the Internet is a sh***ty place to have this discussion. You'll never be able to tell the difference between honest answers, people trying to bait you, or bots looking to engage.
Annnnnmdddd. There are certainly kids and parents that are clingy and need to feel dependant.
But, as said by others, the Internet is a sh***ty place to have this discussion. You'll never be able to tell the difference between honest answers, people trying to bait you, or bots looking to engage.
Both of my parents passed when I was in my 20's, so I have no direct "parent needs money" reference. Now my sister is 10 years older than me (She claims I'm the mail mans kid!) and if she asked for financial help I'd have to investigate as to why, and she would do the same should I ask her for money. The money discussion wouldn't offend either of us if it was for a legit reason because we do have each others back should something happen. For the parent(s) I would be concerned as to why, how much and for how long. Just my 2cents (That I'm not loaning out!).
Catalyzt
Well-Known Member
- Region
- USA
Interesting question. I wouldn't say so much their feelings about their parents, but their parents behavior sometimes does have to be a factor. It does get real interesting when both your parents get sick around the same time, you want to help one of them-- do you help the one who lived a more honorable life more?
My mother was a really honorable person who made a few mistakes that hurt others-- but very few, fewer than most. My dad was an honorable person who made a lot more mistakes, hurt more people, but lived very honorably the last 20 years of his life. Did I help Mom more? Just a little bit, maybe, but only when I absolutely had to choose between something she needed and something he needed. I tried to be as even-handed as possible.
When they were both sick, our resources were limited, and it seemed they needed a ton of care. My mom died after running through most of her savings, though there was a bit left over after she died. We stuffed it in a 401K with a good financial planner, and resolved not to touch it-- particularly for Dad's care. Their divorce was very acrimonious; she would have been enraged if we'd spent a dime on him.
I kept flying back east to take care of Dad, and he kept getting in trouble, and wouldn't move closer to us, kept passing mini mental status exams and was deemed responsible for himself, though adult protective services came out several times a week because he wandered. I wondered if we should dig into our own savings to help him, but a wonderful social worker in Maryland sternly told us not to. "Here's how we're trained, and how we tell people to make these decisions," she explained. "Do the best you can, and we'll try to find a group home for your dad. It will cost you some money out of pocket, but don't you dare use your own retirement savings-- if you do, then you'll just become the problem for some other social worker in your state 30 years from now. That would be bad for you, and bad policy."
The time I spent on his care was a much bigger burden than the money, but I took her advice. We found Dad a group home; his last 18 months he was happy and comfortable, in a house without bars on the windows, in a decent neighborhood, with other seniors and staff that was run by someone who actually cared. And looking back on it, I'm so glad I spent that time with him, as hard as it was. He would almost certainly have died sooner, and more unhappy, in a fancy nursing home, doped up on a bunch of drugs.
Just do the best you can, but don't endanger your own well-being or your family's. Hard to know where that line is, but you'll find it. The satisfaction of knowing that you did right by your family is absolutely priceless.
My mother was a really honorable person who made a few mistakes that hurt others-- but very few, fewer than most. My dad was an honorable person who made a lot more mistakes, hurt more people, but lived very honorably the last 20 years of his life. Did I help Mom more? Just a little bit, maybe, but only when I absolutely had to choose between something she needed and something he needed. I tried to be as even-handed as possible.
When they were both sick, our resources were limited, and it seemed they needed a ton of care. My mom died after running through most of her savings, though there was a bit left over after she died. We stuffed it in a 401K with a good financial planner, and resolved not to touch it-- particularly for Dad's care. Their divorce was very acrimonious; she would have been enraged if we'd spent a dime on him.
I kept flying back east to take care of Dad, and he kept getting in trouble, and wouldn't move closer to us, kept passing mini mental status exams and was deemed responsible for himself, though adult protective services came out several times a week because he wandered. I wondered if we should dig into our own savings to help him, but a wonderful social worker in Maryland sternly told us not to. "Here's how we're trained, and how we tell people to make these decisions," she explained. "Do the best you can, and we'll try to find a group home for your dad. It will cost you some money out of pocket, but don't you dare use your own retirement savings-- if you do, then you'll just become the problem for some other social worker in your state 30 years from now. That would be bad for you, and bad policy."
The time I spent on his care was a much bigger burden than the money, but I took her advice. We found Dad a group home; his last 18 months he was happy and comfortable, in a house without bars on the windows, in a decent neighborhood, with other seniors and staff that was run by someone who actually cared. And looking back on it, I'm so glad I spent that time with him, as hard as it was. He would almost certainly have died sooner, and more unhappy, in a fancy nursing home, doped up on a bunch of drugs.
Just do the best you can, but don't endanger your own well-being or your family's. Hard to know where that line is, but you'll find it. The satisfaction of knowing that you did right by your family is absolutely priceless.
m@Robertson
Merciless (on the inside)
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- USA
Of course it should.
What if a child is molested by a parent? Or physically abused? Or emotionally abused? What if the parent abandoned the child and remaining parent for most of their lives? I have known people over the years who have fit into all of these categories. In some cases the relationship with the parent was strained. In others it was totally severed.
People who come from loving homes (like I did) have a hard time imagining the abandonment of a parent. But a loving - or even a worthy - parent is hardly a given in this world.
Urbancowboy
Active Member
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- Canada
Not sure if that is true. Never know until you find out.
Supporting parents in old age is not only a matter of responsibilities, but also of opportunities. Of course, if a child is experiencing financial difficulties, he or she cannot take on all the responsibility, even if he or she wants to help.
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Renee
New Member
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- USA
I spent a lot of time helping my mom just before she died. She was a good mom but not always an easy mom. I didn't always like her style of parenting and as she got closer to death she got really ornery and a bit hateful. My sister died just before this otherwise we would have taken the burden on together. I felt I needed to do what was best for her but not because she deserved it but because it would make me feel better about myself. I didn't want any regrets so I took the time and money to get her through the final stages of life with as much dignity as I could get for her. It made me feel better to do thatl. It felt right. If you don't like your parent you have to decide what feels good for you. Will you feel good about yourself if you decide not to help. Will it feel like the right thing to do? If you're happy with your decision based on the past behavior of the parent that's all that matters. If you are happier helping and giving money because they need it then that's what you should do. The goal is to keep your sanity and do what's best for you and make sure you won't have regrets later.
Urbancowboy
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- Canada
It all depends.
Our Kids are all Homeowners and paying down there huge Mortgages, all work hard and make real Money. No Dope/Gambling with none of them. If they would need help we would consider the request on there own merrits.
Our Kids are all Homeowners and paying down there huge Mortgages, all work hard and make real Money. No Dope/Gambling with none of them. If they would need help we would consider the request on there own merrits.
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